Am I Bothered or Am I Threatened?

 This week, 'Therapy Begins with T(ea)' steeps on the practice of differentiating being bothered from being threatened and offers a body-based check-in to help you manage each more effectively.

Steep In Thought (3-5 min)

Bothered

What does it mean to be bothered? We can experience it as annoyance, agitation, or even downright upset. Sometimes bothered means worry or concern and other times it feels more intrusion and interruption.

“I’m bothered by the sound of their chewing.”

“It just bothers me so much that you keep it inside instead of telling me everything you’re feeling!”

“I’m worried about work. I have to give this presentation and I keep losing sleep over it because it’s bothering me so much.”

“I can’t stop thinking that the worst might happen. It’s like a bee buzzing inside my head and it bothers me, but I can’t stop it.”

Some bothers are the discomforts of life. Others are threats.

 A Cue to Reflect

When you’re feeling bothered, it can be helpful to ask yourself – do I feel annoyed or do I feel threatened? If the answer really is just mild annoyance, we might go down the path of nervous system regulation to reset a little. But if the answer feels more like ‘threatened,’ there’s more exploring to do. Take example two, for instance: when we see the frustration as a sign of feeling threatened, we can be curious about what the perceived threat is. Unpredictability and uncertainty? Fear that the other person is holding back information that would be harmful? The speaker’s own difficulty with boundaries and differences in processing?

When we can better understand what is threatening us, we can then identify what we need and what action we can take. Do we try communicating our fear rather than our frustration? Do we commit to spending more time, with ourselves or with a trusted person, to explore what unfinished business is triggering this threat? Do we take steps to find safety in our bodies again through regulation? The answer is probably some shade of yes to all of the above.

Remember this question this week: am I bothered or am I threatened? And try out this week’s full body check-in to practice re-establishing safety in your body.

Full Body Check-in (2-4 min)

In slow, out slower, repeat. When we’re feeling threatened, our body is hyper-focused on danger cues and struggles to find existing safety cues. This exercise can be used to help remind yourself that you are, in this moment, safe.

Let’s start with the senses. Look around the room you’re in, slowly. Scan for an object in the room that brings on a positive emotion. It might be a sense of novelty and curiosity over something you never really noticed before. Maybe it’s a safety object that is sentimental to you, like a momento, a cozy piece of furniture, a picture or piece of art. Notice how it feels in your body to relate to this object. The feeling can be strong or subtle.

Now, start to focus your attention a little closer to home, in the way your body is interacting with your environment. Assumably, your body is not just floating in space in this moment. Notice the points of contact between your body and the room. Is it the firmness of your feet planted on the ground or the supple cushion of the seat underneath you. Take inventory of these different points of contact and describe them. Notice how they all help ground you.