Disappointment Tolerance

This week, 'Therapy Begins with T(ea)' steeps on how to navigate disappointment tolerance when you’re disappointed and when you’re the one disappointing. 

Original Publish: 8/3/25 (can be published on site at any time)

Steep In Thought (3-5 min)

Fearing Disappointment

Disappointment is not a dirty word. That feeling of ‘sadness, frustration, or dissatisfaction that arises when our hopes or expectations are not met’ is uncomfortable, definitely, and even painful at times, but it’s also sometimes inevitable. We disappoint and we get disappointed. We can’t avoid it completely, as much as we may try to – and sometimes avoiding it actually ends up making the disappointment worse. So today, let’s talk about how to navigate disappointment, especially when we’re the one disappointing.

When You’re Afraid of Disappointing Someone

This one comes up a lot in session. Maybe it’s that you realize you’re not on the same page with someone you’re newly dating or you have to miss a big event in the life of someone you care about. Maybe it’s that you have to say no. Whatever the circumstance is, take time to digest it first. Consider the other person and why they might feel disappointed. Also ask yourself: where is the discomfort I’m feeling coming from?

Naturally, we don’t like to act in ways that hurt other people, so I imagine at least some of the discomfort is coming from understanding that you may hurt them and from feeling apprehensive of what that might mean for your relationship moving forward. There’s accountability needed there, definitely.

The fear of disappointing someone also usually includes a fear of how we’ll be perceived or represented by that person. And these discomforts together can lead us to avoiding the confrontation. So when you’ve decided that it is worth disappointing someone, remember the difference between disappointment and disrespect. You’re allowed to not meet other people’s expectations and hopes of you, especially when doing so would mean going against a core part of you, but we can convey that with respect. Disappointment can lead to hurt and the need for repair, yes, but the lack of regard that comes with disrespect breeds distrust and does much more damage than disappointment ever could. Avoiding or withholding disappointment can end up being more disrespectful than communicating it outright, so disappointing others is also about learning how to tolerate your own discomfort in disappointing them.

When You’re Disappointed

When you’re disappointed: the first step is to process and digest. Know that it can come out as other feelings, like anger or numbness. Take time to sit with yourself & explore those emotions – that will help you understand exactly what you’re disappointed about. Check in and differentiate disappointment from disrespect on the receiving end too.

Navigating disappointment here might mean offering yourself compassion as you grieve that unmet expectation or hope; it might mean follow-up conversations with the person to collaborate on mutual expectations for each other moving forward; and, especially if you notice patterns of disrespect, it might mean deeper reflection on, & adjustment to, this relationship as a whole. Because disappointment is a natural part of life, building tolerance for being disappointed is also a life skill that aids in our overall wellbeing. 

This week’s full body check-in can help you prepare for disappointment – both the fear that comes with knowing you’ll disappoint someone and the sting of being disappointed. Try it out this week or come back to it whenever you need it.

Full Body Check-In (2-4 min)

Disappointing, and being disappointed, can bring up a flurry of emotions, so before we go into them, take a moment for yourself. Take a moment to breathe if that feels good: breathe air into your whole body to make space for these feelings and then slowly, gently, let that breath out and repeat. Maybe taking a moment means stretching both sides of your body: lifting and relaxing your shoulders, circling your hips and torso, rotating your ankles and pointing your feet and then letting your body settle. Maybe taking a moment means using any other grounding technique that your body is craving. Take that moment (or as long as you need) now.

As you feel more settled in your body, start to bring in the concept of disappointment. Notice what memories, feelings, sensations, and thoughts come to you. You’ve just made space in your body for any and all of them, so give them space to be as you sit and introspect. If you’re leaning towards memories or upcoming situations in which you disappoint someone else, tend to that discomfort and apprehension. Reflect on how disappointment can co-exist with respect and kindness.

And if you’re focusing more on the experience of being disappointed, tend to that sting. Offer yourself comforting touch. Engage with that hurt and take time to understand it. Remind yourself that disappointment is a natural, and even healthy, emotion when you engage with it like you are now. Ask yourself: was there repair? Does there still need to be? What insights about yourself, and about relationships, do you take away from that experience of disappointment? 

How does the experience of disappointing others influence your perspective on being disappointed and how does your experience being disappointed inform how you navigate disappointing others?