Falling Into The Trap of ‘Who is More Right

This week, 'Therapy Begins with T(ea)' steeps on how to move away from the tempting trap of ‘who is more right’ in a conflict and move towards mutual understanding and resolution.

Steep In Thought (3-5 min)

The Game of 1v1 Where No One Wins

Have you been in this situation before? You’re in conflict with someone and you just can’t see eye-to-eye on anything. They’re not listening to you. They’re countering every point you make. They have a completely different narrative of whatever the conflict is. You did tell them to do it. They were the ones who started getting defensive. You have kept your tone calm. You find yourself sparring on the tiniest of details, trying to convince each other that your perspective is more true. You both want to win the argument. You each want to be right.

We get so caught up on accuracy when we’re in conflict. When we’re in 1 v 1 mode, we feel we need to be right in order for our emotions and hurts to be valid – and that puts us into a state of threat. The risk of getting too in the weeds on tit-for-tat details is that we lose connection to the underlying emotions, needs, hurts, and insecurities that fuel the conflict in the first place. We also lose connection to the person we’re in conflict with, which makes engaging, resolving, and repairing near impossible.

Moving From 1v1 to Us v The Problem

Even more, understanding the role that both intent and impact play in a conflict also further complicates who is ‘more right’ than the other. So what happens when we move away from the bullseye mentality of fighting? 

We’re able to look at what’s underneath the details and speak to that issue. Hearing our hurts and fears naturally makes others move closer to us and hearing theirs helps us access empathy for them in a way that doesn’t threaten our own feelings. We get closer to ‘both things can be true’ and then we collaborate on how to repair. We’re able to focus more on what we can do to step towards the other person knowing that they’re doing the same for us.

To practice this shift, try out this week’s full body check-in.

Full Body Check-In (2-4 min)

Before we re-engage with deeper emotions, let’s regulate first through the breath. Take a strong breath in through your nose (or mouth) and let it fill your body up. Then let it out through your nose (or mouth). When you inhale next, focus on filling both your lungs and your lower torso with air. And on the exhale, take your time breathing out, maybe this time through your mouth. On that next inhale, now focus your attention on filling the back of your lungs – see if you can feel the sensation of your back muscles engaging and expanding as you breathe in, as if the air is pushing your back out. And then slowly let that breath out, feeling your body relax. Try out that back breathing for a few more cycles of breath.

When you’re ready, think back to a recent conflict where it felt like you were on a completely different page than the other person. Play the conflict back in your mind and reflect on it. What do you notice about the other person? What do you notice about yourself? Did you get lost in the weeds of details? Did you feel disconnected from them?

In the state you’re in now, regulated and not in the moment of conflict, can you identify what emotion(s) you were feeling in that conflict? Where were those emotions coming from? Any specific needs not met or wounds that were triggered? What was the underlying message you were trying to communicate? Notice how you feel in your body right now.

And now try that for the other person. What emotions do you sense they were feeling in that conflict? What needs or wounds do you sense were being triggered? What was the underlying message they were trying to communicate to you? Notice how you feel in your body right now.

Now knowing both underlying messages, how do you relate to the conflict? What insights does it give you about what repair could look like in a moment of conflict like that in the future? What do you want to try differently next time?