When You Just Can’t Seem To Feel Better (Co-Existence and Acceptance)

This week, 'Therapy Begins with T(ea)' steeps on what to do when it feels like your coping skills aren’t working in the moment.

'Steep' in Thought (3-5 min) 

When Our Coping Skills Fail

There are a lot of tools we can learn to help us navigate our emotional experience in a way that isn’t completely debilitating – through meditation and mindfulness, through education about how our bodies work, through nervous system regulation strategies, through therapy and other indigenous support practices. Through food and nature and community. But these are all just tools that help us influence how we experience something; they don’t necessarily control the ‘what’ or the outcome. And sometimes, even when we do all the things we’ve learned, we can’t find a way to feel better in the moment. We’re still activated or completely shut down. Maybe it’s not even safe to ‘feel better’. So in those moments, when we can’t dial down the distress or anxiety or fear, when we can’t immediately feel better, we can aim to feel more.

Cue the concepts of acceptance and co-existence: our bodies are containers that can hold multiple emotions, sensations, thoughts, and needs at the same time.

Co-Existence and Acceptance: We’re Bigger Than Any One Feeling

We, as a whole, are larger than any one part – and when we can remind ourselves of that, we can start to make room for multiple parts of us without feeling completely overwhelmed and without parts feeling like they have to compete for the spotlight.

An example of this might look like “Okay, I feel anxious right now. I’ve tried my tools, but the anxiety is still very present. So I can accept that and remind myself that this is a temporary state. I won’t always feel this way, but I am feeling this way now. I also know I’m capable of feeling more than one thing. What else do I feel right now? I feel anxious and I also feel _______.” That ‘also’ might be a sensation: “I feel anxious and I also feel the support of the chair underneath my thighs holding me.” That ‘also’ might give you access to a positive resource: “I feel anxious and I feel compassion towards myself right now” or “I feel anxious and I feel grateful that I’m in a cozy, familiar place while I feel this.” The point here is that when we can’t feel less (angry, anxious, stressed, etc.), we can try to feel more.

Keep this in mind and body as you go through this week, and if you’d like to practice finding your ‘also,’ try out this week’s full body check-in below.

Full Body Check-In (2-4 min)

Today, we’re not going to focus on our breath as much, but if that’s a grounding practice for you, take a few cycles of stabilizing breath before continuing this prompt. Take all the time you need.

Start to gently rock or sway your body so you become more aware of it. Maybe you curl your toes and then relax them or you move your shoulders up and then let them fall softly to a resting position. Circle your hips or rotate your neck – any small, gentle movement that helps you become more aware of your body.

One of the best ways to practice acceptance and co-existence is through the physical sensations of our body. So start to take inventory of your body. Scan through it and begin to notice where there are sensations of discomfort. Maybe there’s some slight soreness near your back or heaviness behind your eyes. Take a moment to look for the discomfort and just acknowledge it. You’re not trying to change it or move away from it. You’re just acknowledging that it’s there as you move through your body. Take your time.

Now, when you’re ready, look for the co-existing signs of comfort in your body. They are there alongside the discomfort. That might be the soft cushion underneath you or the sense of groundedness that comes from your feet firmly planted on the ground. Look for a sense of lightness in your body – it could be on the tops of your hands or the tips of your fingers. Just as you did with the discomfort, scan and acknowledge the sensations of comfort in you body.

The sensations of discomfort and comfort don’t need to compete. You and your body are bigger than any one sensation – there’s space for all of it. You make space for all of it. So try naming the co-existence: “I feel [discomfort] and I also feel [comfort].”

Just as our body is a physical container, it is an emotional one too. Try to practice this same co-existence with your emotions this week.

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