This week, 'Therapy Begins with T(ea)' steeps on the negative bias we have towards our inner child and offers a full body check-in to learn a lesson from your inner child that you can practice in the week to come.
Therapy Begins with T(ea) is a weekly newsletter based on the themes that come up in my sessions as a therapist who specializes in conflict & attachment in romantic relationships, shame & imposter syndrome, and our psychological relationships with money. Each week consists of a 'steep' in thought reflection, an accompanying body based check-in, and tea card intentions for the week to come. Its intended use is for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for individualized medical or mental health treatment.
'Steep' in Thought (3-5 min)
What we get wrong about Our Inner Child
This week, sessions were all about our ‘inner child,’ but not in the way you might think. The term ‘inner child’ is pretty ubiquitous in the pop psych social media world at this point, but here’s a quick review (before we flip the phrase on its head): our ‘inner child’ is a sub-personality (or part according to IFS) that holds the memories, emotions, & wounds we experienced as a child and it’s frozen in time. Often, it’s a part that surfaces when we’re feeling activated (anxious, angry, scared, distressed, etc.). Typically, inner child work focuses on you learning how to understand & soothe your inner child as a form of compassionate reparenting. All of this is true, but it also erases what might be the most important quality of our inner child.
Part of the wound of the inner child is that it had little (to no) agency or power in many of the stressful/traumatic situations you were in growing up. And while reparenting can be incredibly healing, we’re reinforcing that power structure by viewing our inner child only as someone to be soothed and taught. Our inner child has a lot to teach us too.
We have to remember The positives of our inner child, too
There are so many positive qualities of a child, of our inner child. We talk so much about never having enough moments in the day, but for children, time & space are expansive. Children embody curiosity, exploration, and imagination -- they allow themselves to dream. They play free of self-consciousness, fully in the present moment. Children intuitively know how to be in their bodies and how to move them in a way that brings joy. They can connect with themselves (playing pretend), with others, with any part of nature; children are spirited.
And if these qualities sound familiar, it’s because those are the same characteristics of a regulated nervous system -- specifically when we’re in ‘ventral vagus‘ and we’re safe, grounded, and connected. That’s when we have access to curiosity, clarity, presence, and connection. So while our inner child can hold wounds that activate us, it’s also an antidote. Our inner child helps us learn how to regulate ourselves as adults too.
Use this week’s full body check-in to learn a lesson from your inner child that you can practice in the upcoming week.
Full Body Check-In (2-4 min)
Take a steadying breath in through the nose. Let it out through the mouth as a sigh. For these first few cycles of breath, really lean into the action & sounds of breathing. Be a little dramatic in your breath. Let it be all you focus on for a moment. And then, take away 50% of that effort. Your breath cycles will start to feel a little less dramatic, a little more natural. You’re still engaged, but less intensely so. Breathe at this pace for a few more cycles of breath.
And then, pull back another 50%, still breathing, but not trying to enhance or adjust it in any way. Now you’re just observing. And after a few more cycles, see if you can pull back 50% one more time so that you’re no longer even observing the breath; it just is.
Focus your attention now to visualizing yourself as a child. If you have access to positive memories of your childhood, choose one and let it crystalize. If you don’t have that access, build a scene and a setting that child you would want to be in, one that would bring them joy.
Uses your senses to build this visual, as if you’re watching a movie of it. What do you see? What do you hear? Are there any tastes or smells that bring comfort or nostalgia in this scene? Keep breathing.
Focus your attention now on little you. Watch yourself. What do you notice about little you? What are they doing? Are they playing? Are they with other people or by themselves? How do you feel towards little you watching them in this positive, happy moment?
Now, try this visual from a different point of view -- instead of watching it like a movie, be little you. How do you see the scene now? What do you notice? What does it feel like to be doing whatever you’re doing in this positive memory? What does it feel like to be in your body right now? What do you have access to and what have you let go of? Keep breathing.
Stay in first person or switch back to watching little you, whatever helps you connect more to the visual. What do you admire about little you in this visual? What is little you teaching or reminding you?
Take that lesson, that reminder, into this week.
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