What Does Failure Mean To You?

This week, 'Therapy Begins with T(ea)' steeps on our fear of failure and offers a full body check-in to help you reflect on what your failures have taught you.

Therapy Begins with T(ea) is a weekly newsletter based on the themes that come up in my sessions as a therapist who specializes in conflict & attachment in romantic relationships, shame & imposter syndrome, and our psychological relationships with money. Each week consists of a 'steep' in thought reflection, an accompanying body based check-in, and tea card intentions for the week to come. Its intended use is for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for individualized medical or mental health treatment.

'Steep' in Thought (3-5 min)

Afraid to fail

It may seem like a basic question, but it’s an important one to ask about a word that holds so much weight. We often feel allergic to failure because we’re afraid that it validates our doubts about our worth -- that it’s somehow proof that we are less than, not enough, out of control, deficient, or worthless. We end up attaching ‘failure’ to our identity and our personhood rather than a specific behavior or role -- and that ego threat makes us want to avoid it at all costs. But when we focus too much on what failure means about us and not enough on what it means to us, we lose sight of what it can teach us.

What failure can teach us

It is through failure (or ‘happy little accidents’ as Uncle Ross says) that we learn courage, perseverance, gratitude, and humility, all of which help us grow and evolve. Looking at failure through the lens of learning is also a lot less threatening (to us and our nervous systems) because it separates failure from worth. So if you deal with failure (aka if you’re human), try out this week’s full body check-in to practice engaging with failure from a different perspective.

Full Body Check-In (2-4 min)

Start with the breath. Notice what it feels like to inhale and exhale. If you’d like guidance, count your breath. Inhale for 4, hold for 4, and let out your breath for a count of 6. Repeat this cycle a few times. Feel yourself sink deeper into your body. Stay here as long as you’d like.

On your next breath in, start thinking about the word ‘failure.’ Notice what words, images, or memories it evokes. Whatever comes up, acknowledge it and then stay curious.

Start to tune more into your body. What does failure feel like? Racing heart, tightness in your chest, tense shoulders? A pit in your stomach? Something else? Spend some time exploring these sensations.

Now, take a deep breath. On your exhale, think back to a past or current experience of failure. Ask yourself, what have I learned? What am I learning? Can I integrate this lesson into my life with compassion instead of punishment? What does that look like? Spend some time here.

Notice how it feels to be in your body now.

If, this week, you find yourself focusing on what failure means about you, remind yourself of what it means to you.

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