Why Is It So Hard to Be Still? If You Find Mindfulness Difficult, This Is For You.

This week, 'Therapy Begins with T(ea)' steeps on why we struggle with stillness, despite its importance to our wellbeing, and offers a full body check-in to help you practice stillness that feels safe.

Therapy Begins with T(ea) is a weekly newsletter based on the themes that come up in my sessions as a therapist who specializes in conflict & attachment in romantic relationships, shame & imposter syndrome, and our psychological relationships with money. Each week consists of a 'steep' in thought reflection, an accompanying body based check-in, and tea card intentions for the week to come. Its intended use is for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for individualized medical or mental health treatment.

'Steep' in Thought (3-5 min)

A struggle to Be still

“I know it’s good for me, but I just can’t stay still that long.” If this sentiment mirrors your feelings about breathwork, meditation, and mindfulness, you’re far from alone. At this point, hopefully you have a pretty good idea of why stillness is so necessary (i.e. it gives us time & space to cognitively reset and emotionally digest in order to better navigate our life). Think of stillness as ‘being’ instead of ‘doing’ -- more of an inner stillness rather than a necessarily physical one. And (inner) stillness comes from a state of safe immobilization; if you struggle with stillness, it’s because your body only knows what it’s like to feel ‘immobilized’ in times of danger, not safety. 

Retraining our body to view stillness as safe

Remember how our nervous system sits on a spectrum of activation and immobilization? While full immobilization (aka shutdown) is a survival response to prolonged danger/stress/trauma, our ‘rest & digest’ mode is a healthy version of moderate immobilization.

The key word here is safety. If our body doesn’t register safety cues, it’ll resist your attempts at slowing down or ‘de-mobilizing.’ That’s why we (over)stimulate ourselves with constant phone scrolling, TV, podcasts (sometimes all at once). We’re trying to resist -- for some, it’s resisting that initial discomfort of boredom and, for others, it might be resisting the heavier emotions that come up when we aren’t constantly distracting ourselves. In both cases, our bodies are only registering the association between immobilization and stress/danger. In order to feel comfortable with stillness, we have to practice -- and show our bodies that it is safe to do so.

The four foundational safety cues are predictability, internal and external alignment, loose control, and interconnectedness. This week’s full body check-in will go into each one of these cues (and its danger cue counterpart) so that you can better understand them, but the goal here is to cultivate safety. So next time you find yourself feeling antsy or resisting stillness, look for safety cues & notice how your body responds.

*Danger cues exist for a reason and there are times when you are not actually physically or emotionally safe, so please consider safety and danger cues seriously)

Full Body Check-In (2-4 min)

Take a moment to settle with your breath. Breathe in and fill your whole torso with air; feel it expand like a balloon. Then breathe out, slowly, through your mouth, ‘releasing the balloon.’ Be mindful of your breath for a few cycles. Or, focus on one sense (like touch or sound) and explore it as you breathe. If slight movement feels good, try rocking side to side, gently and subtly.

Regulation, which is always the first part of our check-in, helps prepare our body for stillness (aka safe immobilization). To help allow for stillness, we can also use safety cues.

Predictability: the first safety cue reminds us of what we’re familiar with and what we can count on (in ourselves and our environment). Predictability’s counterpart danger cue is uncertainty. Let’s explore that first. What does it feel like to be uncertain? How does it show up in your body? What danger is associated with uncertainty for you? How do you react to uncertainty?

Now, as you take your next breath, let’s bring in predictability. What does predictability mean to you? What does it feel like in your body? What about predictability feels safe to you?

When wanting to practice stillness, how can you incorporate predictability? One example is routine building (i.e. a time-bound stillness practice as part of a morning or evening routine or even during a lunch break).

Internal/External Alignment: we’ve all had the experience of feeling friction between what’s going on inside of us and what’s happening in our environment (e.g. peer pressure). That discord is a danger cue to us; being able to recognize that our internal and external environments are not threatening each other helps remind us that we are safe.

Notice, right now, what it feels like to be in your body. When wanting to practice stillness, how can you incorporate this feeling of alignment? One example is using your senses to orient your body to your surroundings.

Loose control: we want (and need) to feel a sense of control in order to feel safe. That agency is empowering and it’s a cue for danger when we don’t experience that. But the key word in this safety cue is ‘loose’ -- if control doesn’t feel fraught or fragile, we don’t have to keep a death grip on it. Instead, we’re able to loosen our grip & allow things to happen without domineering. For stillness, maybe that looks like recognizing agency in the type of practice you can try, while also being open to the experience of it without pre-conceived ideas of what it should feel like.

Interconnectedness: the ultimate danger cue is feeling completely isolated. Therefore, in order to feel safe, we have to feel connected. That connection can be to our inner Self (or inner child) and to trusted loved ones. It can be a felt sense of reciprocal belonging to our community. It can also be a sense of interconnectedness with our environment. That could look like spending time outside, with nature (nature is a great teacher of the balance between stillness and movement), or by literally grounding ourselves -- focusing on the connection between the soles of our feet and the ground as we breathe. What does interconnectedness feel like for you? How does it show up in your body? How can you bring it into a practice of stillness?

Focus on any one (or many) of these cues to help your body safely immobilize this week; use them whenever you’re needing safety.

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